Can I first say how honoured I am to have been asked by our esteemed president to present the annual review of the year.
As most of you know I’ve been on leave from the IMC climbing scene this summer. So, by way of a reversal of the normal literary disclaimer, let me make it absolutely clear that while I’m happy to take the credit for what follows, any factual errors are entirely the responsibility of those who provided me with the information. (And many thanks indeed for all the contributions).
Now, no doubt you’d suppose, I’d present this in prose. But to be slightly perverse, I’m going to try it in verse…………
Actually this was an idea that came to me a couple of years ago. Referring to an episode that year on Gimmer Crag, the verse in question was entitled “Whom should we thank for the fun on Spring Bank?” It was going to start something like this:
“Whom should we thank
For the fun on Spring Bank,
But the man, if you please,
Who wears tights with no knees?”
Sadly the “fun on Spring Bank” has receded far into the club’s memory banks by now, as, hopefully, have Steve G’s tights. So this evening’s poetic improvisation is entitled rather more prosaically “The Ballad of 2008”.
What follows is doubtless replete with scurrilous scansion and reprehensible rhyme, and could well turn out to be a complete disaster. So here’s hoping that everyone’s suitably lubricated, and willing to give the benefit of doubt to a humble “Bard of Ipswich”.
Here goes – “The Ballad of 2008”
Friends! Set down your beers
And lend me your ears,
For I’ve tales to unfold
Of deeds daring and bold.
It’s the annual story
Of lost pride and glory,
Blind panic and fear.
Yes, it’s “lob of the year”
Let me start down in Dovedale.
Here’s rumoured a good tale
Of crumbling rock layers
And high-flying belayers.
It’s Steve C on George,
High above the dark gorge,
With the vultures surveying
Our Johnboy’s belaying.
Blame a crucial snapped hold
From what I’ve been told, For,
as rocks struck John’s toe,
Steve was forced to let go,
And JB left the ground
With expletives profound.
If this story’s not made up
They’ve just pushed the grade up
To E3 or more
Must be E2 for sure.
In arctic Lofoten
lobbing’s “verboten”.
(Seems the absence of night time
Discourages flight time.)
lobs shouldn’t happen
At Pianokrakken.
But would this prevent
One of such stubborn bent
As our own Stephen Gray?
No, he just had to display
That gravity there
Is less than down here.
Meanwhile Grit, west and east
Saw a veritable feast
Of top lobbing action
From the IMC faction.
Where should we begin?
Why, of course, at Crow Chin,
Where a man of the mountain
Was almost past counting
The lobs he could manage
In one day at Stanage.
Marmoset was the climb,
Andy H doing time,
But not quite prevailing
‘Spite some desperate flailing.
Andy also, I hear,
Spent some time in the air
When he took a long fall
High upon Calver Wall.
And there’s also a log
On his UKC blog
Of an interesting day
Soloing E5 6a.
One fine sunny day,
Rather earlier, in May,
I hear it was Guy
Who went flying by,
with customary fervour
He tackled L’Horla at Curbar.
Then, to find something bigger,
They walked up to Higgar,
Where accounts are agreed
‘Twas again grandpa Reid
Who wiped off his smile
As he lobbed from The File.
After four falls, no less,
Poor Guy’s hands were a mess.
If you can’t jam, it’s true,
This VS is E2.
At Froggatt I’m told
Stephen Gray was involved,
While upping the ante
On Strapiombante.
Rockfax might deem
This a “good first extreme”,
But its tail has a sting,
A potential huge swing,
Which left Carol, it’s said,
Nearly kicked in the head.
But let’s now shift our gaze
West, to far Castle Naze,
Where young Caroline’s game F
or a climb called “No Name”.
Says severe in the book.
Should be well worth a look,
But the handholds were slimy,
The footholds quite shiny,
And a Wild Country Rock
Is still suffering from shock.
Later on in the year,
Back on Curbar I hear,
We’ll find Martin Stevens.
Always better than evens
The chance of a lob
When he’s on the job.
If there’s truth in the tale
His complexion was pale
After hitting the ground
When his gear proved unsound.
Bones could have been cracked,
But with humour intact,
The most sought after news
Was the size of his bruise.
Elsewhere in this year,
There have been, I fear,
A full-scale procession
Of small indiscretions.
So this must be my cue
To recall just a few.
Bob the Butcher at Baslow
Found reasons to lie low,
While Adrian at Birchen
Found the Fo’c’sle too searching,
Michael B on Trapeze
(Should have made that with ease),
And young Merv. took a fall
Off of Ash Tree Wall.
Now it’s high time, I feel,
For me to reveal
Who’s won the award
In this year of our Lord.
But before I declare
The top lobber this year,
Let’s spare a wee thought
For those leaving with nought.
There can be but one winner,
One ultimate sinner,
But surely it’s true
That honour is due
To all who took part
In this dubious art.
So friends, get off your arses,
Lift up your glasses,
And give us a cheer
For the Lobs of the Year!
And now for the awards!
Before we get to the main event, there are a few preliminary gongs to present.
First the “Duracell” award for sheer quantity of climbing. With more than 300 routes completed this year it has to go to – Andrew Hansler.
Next the “IMC Climbing Achievement” award for the climber or climbers showing the greatest tenacity in moving up through the grades. This year the Award goes jointly to John Buchan and Karen Roberts for their first E1 leads on Brutus in Dovedale, with a sporting commendation to Aaron Willis and Gavin Atkins for achieving F7c in Kalymnos.
Next the “IMC Couch Potato” award for the climber or climbers showing the greatest tenacity in moving up through the grades without ever setting foot on the rock. This one, for breaking through to E3 by simply reading the new Lundy guidebook, goes to yours truly, ably seconded by Mervyn Lamacraft.
The “Hooker Prize” for contributions to local literature goes to all our contributors to this year’s splendid IMC newsletters: Steve Culverhouse, Gunni Page, Adrian Fagg, Ian Thurgood, Carol Fowles, Caroline Goldsworthy, any others I’m sure I’ve forgotten, and, of course, the editor in chief, Guy Reid.
For their contribution to national climbing literature (the new Lundy Guidebook again) we must honour Simon Chandler, Steve Culverhouse, and Mervyn Lamacraft (with apologies for the spelling, Mervyn, when you get to read it).
The RSPCA “Kindness to Animals” award goes to Peter and Louise Krug for their generosity in allowing Reynard the Fox to share their breakfast.
Then for spectacular geographical achievements we must acknowledge the following:
- For the highest altitude reached – the summit of Mont Blanc – Mr Eddie Webster
- For the furthest distance travelled East – Lake Baikal, Siberia – Dr Karen Roberts.
- For the furthest West – Arizona – Dr Simon Chandler
- For the furthest South – Capetown – Dr Stephen Culverhouse, the Revd. Ian Thurgood, and Dame Christina Ennis.
- And for the furthest North – Lofoten – Dr Stephen Culverhouse, Professor Carol Fowles, and Lt. Gen. Sir Stephen Twistleton-Wickham-Gray Bt.
And now the main event – the lob of the year 2008.
The 6 club members short listed for this prestigious award are:
- For George, Dovedale – Stephen Culverhouse
- For Strapiombante, Froggatt and Pianokrakken, Lofoten – Stephen Gray
- For No Name, Castle Naze, Caroline Goldsworthy
- For L’Horla, Curbar and The File, Higgar Tor – Guy Reid
- For Marmoset, Stanage and Calver Wall, Curbar – Andrew Hansler
- For Pale Complexion, Curbar and other minor indiscretions – Martin Stevens.
- With such high calibre action this has been a particularly difficult year for the judges.
We have of course been guided by the very important club rule which states that any falls resulting in serious injury, or the potential for serious injury, are automatically disqualified.
This year the judges were particularly swayed by the quality of the climbs from which the lobbing took place. In fact we decided it would be appropriate to introduce a brand new SI unit of measurement that combines the number of lobs with the number of guidebook stars. This new unit has been unofficially christened the “lobstar”.
So the winner this year is the man who confined his lobbing to two of the finest three star routes on Peak Gritstone, amassing an unassailable total in just one weekend of no less than 21 “lobstars”. Yes, it’s got to be – Guy Reid!
