Rules of Gear Fondling
By way of definition Gear Fondling is relatively self explanatory. However to avoid further confusion on Sundays in Outside of Hathersage and other such establishments, it was thought that some ground rules for novice Fondlers should be laid down.
1. True Gear Fondling can only be undertaken whilst away from home for a period greater than 24hrs, on a trip involving more than one person, there being the necessity for some proof of Fondling having occurred by someone else other than the Fondler.
2. In it’s most simplistic and pure form, which requires full concentration on the part of the Fondler at all times, it can be described as entering a known and highly frequented establishment retailing in
Outdoor Equipment, spending some period of time (unspecified other than longer than 15mins) in this establishment, looking at, removing from shelves hooks and hangers, trying on over and under, talking to other Fondlers/Persons of ill repute about the Gear being Fondled and it’s quality, specification, durability, usefulness, necessity, it’s price and finishing by stating in a loud voice so that all in the shop can hear that “I can get it elsewhere for a lot less than this, even with my club 10% discount” whilst replacing the Fondled gear back from whence it came, before moving onto the next item.
3. It is especially beneficial if other members of the party are delayed whilst Gear Fondling is undertaken (Extra Brownie Points). Double Brownie Points can be earned if you are the car driver with a full payload of passengers waiting for you!
4. The Gear being Fondled must be totally technically over specified, extortionately expensive and immediately sends you scuttling off to the nearest Sunday market to pick up a bargain fleece for a
tenner.
5. A committed Gear Fondler spends hours sitting on the lavatory and in bed drooling over certain gear catalogues, making ever growing lists of items they “must” have, but have no intention of buying.
6. An ardent Gear Fondler must read all technical reviews in all outdoor magazines, so that they can expound in a knowledgeable manner the fact that they understand what the Gear actually does and how it does it, even though the recipient of their great depth of knowledge thoroughly understood the technique prior to the conversation, but is now left in total confusion.
Happy Gear Fondling