Well someone was mad enough to put out an appeal for more newsletter articles, so never one to leave people in a sticky situation here is the best I can do. If you think you could do better, then why not try to prove it to us eager readers!
Oh, and before I go further, I do NOT have the luxury of a spell checker on this computer!
Each outdoor activity tends to give you a different view of the great British countryside. Climb and you become expert in rock types, being able to distinguish your southern sandstone from the harder Northumbrian kind. Walk and you understand the landscape, the topology of the countryside, the folds of the rock to build the mountains. Sail and it's wind and tides; mountain bike, and you become an expert in mud.
It is amazing how many different types of mud there are, so it is a sad reflection that given the richness of the English language we have so few words for it. After all rain, just one vital ingredient for the mud, can be: mizzle, drizzle, shower, rain, downpour, monsoon, cats and dogs-and that's just for starters. However when sitting down over Christmas wine I was stuck trying to come up with many mud types even though, as any (non-seasonal) mountain biker will tell you, there is a huge variety of different types of mud, each requiring their own unique riding style. So, with the aid of an on-line thesaurus, I have come up with the following glossary.
Slime This usually exists as a thin but highly mobile surface on top of a hardcore. It can often be ridden successfully - provided no change of direction is attempted. This type of mud is particularly good for practising your ice techniques.
Bog: Often associated with Peat, or did I mean Pete? The old (as in ex) Pres was so enchanted when he first encountered a true Scottish peat bog that he was not happy just to place one foot in - oh no, only a two foot exploration would enable him to discover the true properties of this new species of mud! I personally was rather aggrieved when, on trying to effect a rescue, I was accused of pulling his arms from their sockets and encouraging him to leave his boots behind! This type of mud can only be ridden if you want to ride straight down into the depths of the hillside.
Glop: This is easily recognised as anything dropped into it leaves a ripple rather like water, but the concentric circles expand at a much more leisurely pace. It is typically left behind in the tread-lines of 4WD off-road vehicles after their owners have been enjoying the fresh air, peace and wildlife in the countryside. After much experimentation we have finally devised a suitable riding technique for the glop-containing trenches . Firstly lower your seat, position the bike into one of the tyre runnels, unclip your feet and place them slightly in front of you, on the raised bollards that run on either side of the runnel. A running motion will now see you and your bike propelled through the mud. Occasionally you may come across a small lake formed where the original byway has been totally destroyed. To negotiate this requires power as well as skill, as here you will only be able to reach one of the side bollards.
Goo: (pronounced gloo) You cycle, initially oblivious to the substance, as it has much the appearance of reasonable earth. Gradually, you slow to a stop. Puzzled, you dismount, and then, examining your bike to understand the failure, you realise the danger you are in. The signs on the bike are easy to spot - you can no longer see various components, like brakes, wheels, or in extreme cases, the bike itself. Where they should be, there is just a large mound of the brown stuff. Do not stand still too long examining this problem - march those feet double-quick, otherwise you will find yourself completely stuck in the mud. If that does happen, the easiest way out of the problem is to give in gracefully - i.e. lie down rather than fall over, and wiggle away to firm ground. Unfortunately Caroline seems to have lost the pictures that were taken on her first encounter with the goo.
Quagmire: Often indicated on a map as marshland. Totally un-cycleable. Patches of hard tussocks of grass will encourage your bike to attempt unauthorised direction changes, leaving you very wet indeed.
This list is clearly not complete. What for example do you call the good mud? The sort that can keep children amused for hours at little cost to the parents other than the call-out charge to the washing machine repairman? Or the sort that people pay good money for in health clubs, for use as a face pack, but is in fact freely available - and applied for you courtesy of a good downhill slope? As a footnote to cyclists, I have noticed that health clubs tend to only apply this stuff to the face or naked skin. The current habit of cycling with the backside sprayed with mud, as illustrated in the enclosed photo, is not to be recommended.
It is hoped by leaving these questions unanswered I will inspire other mud experts to come out of camouflage and write their own answer to the conundrum.
Some muddy photos from Caroline can be found here http://www.flickr.com/photos/32494879@N00/
and another here. http://www.flickr.com/photos/mycams/349267700/in/set-72157594465642079/